A Very Special Christmas Special

Mine was waiting on the kitchen countertop, unwrapped and strategically placed to look casually tossed.

His was wrapped nicely but hastily and it had a color-coded (an aside: not color-coordinated; but color-coded) bow.

I wrote something on the publisher's page.  And I wrote it so sincerely and with such single-minded sureness in the idea I wanted to convey and in the manner in which I would convey it, that I didn't even remember to follow basic letter writing form (namely, the part where the writer is supposed to address the intended audience by name or nic or (i)nits.)

Yes, My Sixteen Loyal Fans, I forgot the salutation, so I had to squeeze it in, marginalia style.  And even though I just used a single letter, the fact remains that, to anyone with eyes, adding the letter was very clearly an afterthought.  Even more disastrous, the inserted letter's proximity to the first word made it (the first word, "if") nearly illegible.  He had to ask me what it even said.

But to begin with the main defense,

if there is some kind of aseitic knowledge of handwriting, &

if the shape of letters & the geometry of words serve as indicators

of whether

the words were written

in a state of guileless innocence

or

in a state of ethical crisis &

spankings &

if someone of that kind of knowledge

were to look at the words that I wrote to him in that book &

if morality means anything at all

then they would be obliged to confirm that

if such a knowledge means anything at all

then I meant what I said when I wrote it

else we have no other use for it.  This would:

show you that my sincerity was a necessary condition to produce those words.

So let's return to the true;

I know of no such people and I don't know that I would know aseity if I saw it so you're just going to have to take my word for it: Aesop is my savior and crotchless fishnet playsuits trump the ever-living fuck out of Aesop.

In summary, yes, the product you purchased was a better gift than the product that I purchased; but at least mine was wrapped.


Yours in Grateful Bondage,

Terrorista