The Solution To All Human Problems

If you encounter this:

 

You just need:

 

All you gotta do is put your booms out and chop away at the little sharp parts, trust me, everyone will be your friend, so long as you don't use your teeth.

Swine flu's a fine brew and look, I'm rill tired so I'm just going to make a list, OK?  Deal.  Now let's shake on it:

• ComWarner just gave satan a boner; and Philly Morris is jelly.

• Jeter jerks off to his ATM slips and he don't give an asterisk about your Eastern seaboard Pax negotiations.

• Tom Perkins, I hope your mattress full of money catches fire while you are fast asleep on it and Sochi, I just hope you get some mattresses

• I'm not sure if I'm overly sensitive to the radio airplayed-out machismo because of it or if it always makes me want to slit some throats.  Could be a pending secondary infection just heightening my senses;

•  'Cause that makes sense in a world where a lost mind can be found again, just go look in the Good Samaritan box, someone probably turned it in.  Because who, in their right mind, would keep it?  Mittens are of more use.

• But an advantageous ear infection seems unlikely since earlier I couldn't be sure if your phone alarm was chirping for our attention that whole time or if it was just penetration-snooze-spray-hear.

• But maybe hearing loss is just part of coming like a king, pin(ned.)

And now, for farm animal play:

Of course I'll nurse you, my little suckling pig, if you're ever sick or dying or horny, and restore you to a state of health and/or happiness; because the milk of human kindness is so much more nutritious than whatever fermented milk product you usually gulp.  And you're not a cow, except in congress, so give me some milk or go home.  Because something is happening but you don't know what it is.  Do you, Mr. Farmer Jones?

Edit: I published the draft and he read it, quickly and silently, like usually.  And then, like Santa Claus does, he turned without saying a word and flew back up the chimney.  I said, "Did you like it?"  He made a rotten walnuts face and said, "It'll just seem dated soon."  Fuck the shackles of words.  I fucking hate them.  Maybe pulling my tits out of my bra would be a better icebreaker.*

*I guess I should go put on a bra.