I Play Music and I Write and I Also Steal Things

Dearest Thoughts, I wish you wouldn't leave me at all the wrong times. But its okay, I'm not the boss of you, and I understand you must be so very tired, what with impregnating the universal conciousness hither and tither. But, as an example, I really could've used you today when I was at that very important meeting (because I am very important I frequently have to attend very important meetings.) I was certain you were in attendance when, quite suddenly, I overheard myself saying, "Y'all sign here and them two will sign here," and I knew you had bailed. Next time, please don't disappear when so much money is on the line. You could've cost me my upcoming topless romp in Zihuatanejo. And my writing wouldn't exactly suffer if you'd show up once in awhile for that.

Enough of that gimmick -- onward to love, primal wounds, mortal fear, psychotic morosity. Tell me I don't know what you like. I had planned to purge other demons, vis a vis that old proverb: the dick that meets no resistance is the cow that buys the milk of experience. Or something like that, I forget it now, made sense earlier, you know how I am. But I've found something much juicier upon which to feast my mind's teeth. I give you:

An Abridged Inventory Of Things I Don't Know How To Do

1. Become indelible.
Because I am too realistic to become a stalker and I like my esophagus too much to become bulimic and I'm too sentimental too be promiscuous and I had too good of a childhood to be severely fucked up, so there really isn't anything left for me. I'm the cool girlfriend. The nice one. Reliable. Forgettable.

2. Make a man cry.
Because my tragedies are entirely too real. And I'm too rational to use suicide to make a point.

3. Drive.
Good, I mean. I don't know how to drive good.

4. Have conviction.
Issues are mostly boring to me. Sure, I don't like religion much, but that is because it is dangerous. Not because it offends me.

5. Lie.
Just kidding, that's a lie. I know how to lie. But it feels like I cheat myself when I do, so I decided to stop a few years ago. It was harder to quit than I care to admit.

6. Deepthroat.
At least, anything over six and a half inches and while I'm not under the influence of one or more depressants.

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Here are a few things I do know how to do, in a little piece I like to call:

An Abridged Inventory Of Things I Do Know How To Do

1. Close a deal.
For real, I do.

2. Write emails that are more lurid than something that is very, very lurid.
E.g., "Tonight, I want tied up, ate out, and double penetrated, k? Thx."

3. Use bold and justification functions properly.

4. End things abruptly.