Get To The Point: Deny, Deny, Deny.

Quit eating that junk food so nonchalantly and stop taking those pest-ate walls for granted. I do work, too, but it is behind the scenes, making phone calls and taking pictures, pretending not to be wide-eyed about the wall-eyed bait and switcheroo bullshit that is the intangible service that I trade for stores of value; scripophily sacrilege.

From one dipshit heart to another, I'm afraid I've gone and fucked it all up, said too much about not enough and all of the rest of the usual shit I do, to ruin every good thing I ever manage to con my way into. Goddamn, this fear of being left alone to rot is overwhelming. Choke it back, choke it back, choke it the fuck back, watch the Office, eat some pizza, now work, do some work, now smoke a cigarette, smoke a cigarette, smoke a cigarette.

Try again. Talk about cool things. Find your sparkle motion. Be interesting! Don't be karate! What if I am karate? Sounds so appealing but goddamn, it isn't for everyone. Everyone? Anyone? You? Me? I'm an acquired test. I mean taste. And you're excused. I mean acquitted. Miserable fucking coup d'etat, stealing all my candy and cribbing off my tests and stealing my lunch money. Let me tell you what its like for a normal girl, smart and successful, a goddess, to be so profoundly fucked up. Begging? Who's begging? Did you mean groveling? I am not so scared of dying but sometimes I am so scared of living. Of harsh lights and hard words spoke soft, like a bouquet of barbed wire. Good gone like gobbled by a vanishing pool. It isn't your fault that I sound like a good idea. Now there is this distance and I put it there.

I need to know why I matter and to whom and I really really need held so bad because I am so afraid that I am incidental. Don't sigh and tell me to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myself, please. Please come hold me and don't make me play second fiddle to something else. I need your attention and I am begging. Please come hold me. Please don't walk away. God, please come take care of me. Please don't be afraid. I am; I am so disconnected. I need you right now.

This is so unattractive. I am. The fear of being alienated is alienating.